Marriage 101 Blog Tour with Jewell Powell
Written by RAWSISTAZ · November 17, 2009 · 1,044 views
**BLOG TOUR DRAWING**
At the end of the week, one winner (randomly chosen from all participating blogs) will receive a $30 DATE NIGHT gift certificate to the restaurant of their choice (Applebees, Chili’s, Ruby Tuesday or Red Lobster) and a gift pack of books (includes Marriage 101, I Don’t Want a Divorce, and Have a New Husband by Friday.)
To enter, you MUST answer the question at the end of this post and actively participate in the discussion, not just leave an “I’d like to get this book, here is my email address.”
15 WAYS TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY WITH YOUR SPOUSE BY JEWELL POWELL
1. Listen attentively while your spouse is speaking, rather than concentrating on what you are going to say in response. This way, you can hear what your spouse is really saying. You may be also able to hear what your spouse is not saying, as well as what he is.
2. Learn to speak the same things (for example, you want to live debt free or have a happy, fulfilling marriage). If you are speaking the same things, you are in agreement. The scriptures ask, “Can two walk together unless they are in agreement?” The answer is no. Therefore, agreement is very important in a marriage.
3. Make eye-to-eye contact when you are speaking. Eyes will reveal anger, pain, sickness, and so on. Eye-to-eye contact also creates a connection between you and your spouse.
4. Think before you speak, thereby giving yourself time to speak your words with love. People are easily offended. Once anger or offense enters the conversation, the person who is offended stops listening and goes on the defensive. So think carefully before you speak.
5. Pray together. Again, this brings agreement, but more importantly, brings God into the conversation.
6. Dream together and write a vision. Understanding the purpose for your marriage should drive you and your spouse to accomplish God’s will for your life. Whether His reason is for you to raise your children a certain way, to start a business, to start a non-profit organization, to start a prayer meeting in your community, or to sing, every couple has a purpose.
7. Know your spouse and why she does what she does (for example, is it based on her upbringing? military background? being from a single-parent home? growing up poor?). Knowing this will help you to communicate more effectively. For example, if your spouse grew up poor, then you can understand why she responds a certain way when you spend a lot of money. Because of your spouse’s past, she might be used to people telling her to not spend as much or feelings of poverty may rear their ugly head.
8. Communicate with your spouse—he is not a mind reader. You must communicate your wants and desires.
9. Know what your spouse expects from you (such as dinner every night, or a phone call to let her know you are okay). You have been with your spouse long enough to know what she expects.
10. Understand what your mate is trying to say. Men are definitely from Mars and women are different from Venus. We can speak the same things, but in different ways. Understanding your spouse’s background and gender, and knowing his heart, will help you to decipher what he is really trying to say. For example, your spouse may have a hard time expressing love verbally but may be able to express it physically, giving you hugs or kisses that say, “I love you.”
11. Forgive one another. Every marriage, including yours, will get to a point at which your spouse will do something to hurt you. At the end of that day, make up in your mind to forgive your spouse. If you don’t, that unforgiveness will grow day by day until your heart is hardened or your ears get dull and you no longer want to hear what he has to say. Those are walls that start the separation process. Don’t let that happen. Forgive and move on. God says that He gives us new mercies every day; therefore, because He has given freely, you should give freely, too.
12. Compliment and say “I love you” and “I appreciate you” often. By doing this every day, this is something that can keep a marriage peaceful and strong.
13. Know the best time to talk with your mate. If your spouse is not a morning person, 7 AM is not the best time to have a serious conversation. If your spouse needs an hour after work to relax, wait to have that heart-to-heart.
14. Conduct family meetings regularly. This allows you to discuss what’s going on with the child(ren), plan dates and vacations, agree about large purchases, and other important matters.
15. Control your emotions. Keep your mouth shut! DO NOT discuss issues when either of you is upset. If your spouse is trying to discuss a matter while angry, find a way to let her cool off first. For example, excuse yourself to the bathroom and go pray. If you are the one who is upset, definitely pray first and wait until you are able to speak nicely.
© Jewell R. Powell, the Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. For more information, visit www.marriage101.us
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
In July of 1992, Jewell met her Prince Charming at a Roy Rogers restaurant. When the couple decided to marry four years later, both were aware of the latest marriage statistics and the legacy of divorce that lay between them. Her parents divorced when she was four, after moving the family to Maryland, leaving her to be raised by a single mother. To circumvent the odds, they went through pre-marital counseling, attended church regularly and felt a strong love for one another. They believed they were ready for marriage.
While desiring to have a happily ever after, Jewell found life after marriage anything but a fairy tale. In 2001, she and her husband, Lewis, had been married for five years but were growing apart, after experiencing problems with infertility, sleeping in separate bedrooms and Lewis’s increasing disinterest in going to church. As she searched for answers to her marital troubles, Jewell found herself on a journey, seeking answers to save her marriage.
Despite a shaky beginning, the Powells now have a relationship with a strong foundation. After successfully resolving their marital problems, they started the Happily Ever After Marriage Ministry to help others do the same. Her new book, Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith (Revell Books February 2009, ISBN 978-0-8007-3332-2, $13.99), offers hope and guidance to help transform broken relationships through the use of biblical wisdom in a simple workbook format.
Jewell serves as co-owner of Antiok Holdings, an emerging full-service management consulting firm, which she owns with her husband. She earned a Bachelor of Science in business from the University of Maryland and is pursuing a Master of Divinity. The Powells reside in southern Maryland with their two daughters.
ABOUT THE BOOK
Your marriage can be strong, healthy, happy, and blessed. Marriage coach Jewell Powell shows you how in this 8-week plan for marital success. She reveals how God’s truths can transform two individuals into the union he desires. Laying a spiritual foundation is crucial to your marriage. In Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith, you will discover God’s purpose for marriage, how to develop godly character, how to communicate effectively, and much more.
With biblical examples, study questions, and Scripture meditations perfect for individuals or couples, you will be challenged to examine areas in your life that may need change so that your marriage can thrive.
Follow the blog tour at http://bit.ly/Marriage101.
For more information, visit Jewell at http://www.marriage101.us.
**BLOG TOUR DRAWING QUESTIONS: Of the 15 ways to communicate effectively listed above, which ones seem the easiest? The hardest? Why? Which one(s) do YOU need to work on?
RAWSISTAZ Literary Group was founded in 2000 to support and promote the work of African-American authors. The groups, on and offline, represent close to 600 readers, writers, aspiring writers, and others interested in literacy and the impact on our communities.
**AS A NOTE — Please hit “Reply” under the person’s comment you want to reply to as it’ll keep the discussion/thread a bit cleaner. Thanks! **
Jewell, thanks so much for joining us today. It is a pleasure to meet you and learn about your book. I haven’t read it yet, but it is definitely one I’d love to read and share with my husband. These are all such great tips, but I will admit my favorites are #2, #7 & #8. I’ve been married almost 10 years and, had I known these three going in, things would’ve been so much smoother those early years.
-Tee
Hi Tee
#7 is mine. He was so tight and cheap and I couldn’t understand why at first so there were lots of arguments about money. He grew up very poor
I know it’s not funny, but I can kinda relate. LOL. My husband didn’t grow up poor, but we’ve disagreed on money issues and even sometimes now we have a conflict of interest.
-Tee
After nine years(barely) , we ‘ve only just begun 5 and 6, which would explain alot. I’m searching within alot to find my difficulties in communicatng with my wife. In my past , it’s never been an issue, but I don’t always feel at ease with her and I don’t do a good a good job even communicating that fact alone. When you have freedom and acceptance for speaking your mind unfiltered and raw, you can be open.
Winston, thanks for sharing! Why do you think it is that you don’t feel at ease with her? Is it something she does/says that makes you feel uncomfortable?
-Tee
Yeah Winston
For me I have to remember that although I am loud and truthful (raw) I must speak the truth in love. Also, we don’t communicate because we don’t want confrontation but if we don’t communicate it can lead to a much bigger issue (divorce). Confrontation is okay as long as you end it with a solution. I have a small book Communication that discusses the topic more thoroughly, it will help you both. Please visit my website at http://www.marriage101.us God Bless
Jewell this statement ” Also, we don’t communicate because we don’t want confrontation but if we don’t communicate it can lead to a much bigger issue (divorce). ” is right on point. That’s a big reason that our communication is so hard most of the time it would lead to confrontations which I get tired of quickly so I/we would put a lid on whatever is bothering us until the pot boils over.
OMG, this is so us! My husband doesn’t like confrontation and I’m more of the say-what-I-gotta-say type, but you’re definitely right. I’ve gotta do better with saying it in love. I can be a bit blunt at times.
-Tee
Tee I am the blunt one in the relationship. It took someone outside of my home to point out that my bluntness was not going over in love and then I saw how raw I could be. I know stop to think about what I am saying before saying things, but there are times that I don’t stop and think and those “oh crap” moments come out LOL
Same here and immediately I follow up with “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.” I’m a work in progress!
Hi Jewell…thanks for stopping by!!!! The points listed above are very interesting. My husband and I have been married for 21 years.
Wow, wow! 21 years? Congrats, Sharon. That’s definitely a long time and so good to see. What has been the biggest challenge and were there times you wanted to just walk away from it (the marriage)? What did you do to resolve the conflict, if so?
-Tee
Tee,
Our biggest challenge was when we first got married. There were times when I was extremely selfish and fail to realize that it wasn’t all about me and there was someone else to consider.
Hi Sharon
I am so glad to hear you say that – that is maturity. I wish you many more happy years.
Jewel this is GREAT and oh how I wished I had this list 4 years ago. I’m going to add your book to my Christmas list.
Of the 15 ways to communicate effectively listed above, which ones seem the easiest?
The easiest are making eye contact when speaking, forgiving one another and complimenting and saying “I love you” and “I appreciate you” often.
The hardest? The hardest for me tends to be listening attentively because sometimes I catch myself half listening or I listen to the beginning of what my husband says then start thinking of a response. Another hard one for us is praying together which shouldn’t be a hard one but it is.
Which one(s) do YOU need to work on? I am working on listening attentively. We as a couple or working on learning to speak the same things, communicating with each other, and understanding what your mate is trying to say. We were just talking about some of these things the other day.
Wana
Psst Wana! I’ve gotten better with the listening attentively, but I do find myself saying “Can I get the short version?” instead of actually letting him go all around the block and back. Ahahha.
-Tee
Girl I’m quick to tell me people give the cliffnotes esp at work because I need to know the history and if I discover that I do I’ll come ask you. I too catch myself thinking in my head come on spit it out and unfortunately it comes across my face. Can I add “work on my poker face” to my list of things I’m working on?
Absolutely! I like that – work on my poker face
Hi Wana
My ministry is about each person looking at themselves and seeing what they can do to better their relationship. Kudos to you for doing that.
Tee, I am the same way. I want the bottom line but he wants to take me through the entire process. I have to tell myself, be patient and listen – you may actually learn something from him.
Thanks Jewell and I wanted to let you know I’ve already ordered your book. Should have it in time for holiday reading next week.
I appreciate that Wana. Please write me at jewellrpowell@gmail.com and give me your feedback.
I guess…ahahha. Just kidding, just kidding. You’re right! I’m learning that patience thing, day by day.
If you could add to this list, what would be your suggestions? For me, it would definitely be:
- Learn to say you’re sorry or acknowledge when you’re wrong. This is one of the biggies with my marriage as I’m okay admitting I’m wrong or saying I’m sorry, but hubby? Nope! He’s gotten much better the last few years, but I recall times when he refused to admit he was wrong or even to simply apologize. And, that really worked against us because I felt like a lot of times I had to keep the peace by moving on when he would act like nothing happened.
-Tee
Tee,
That is a great one that will work in many relationships. I think if people could do it once and start working their way up to it being consistent, we would have better relationships all around.
Tee
I am going to add that to the list. It is important to say I’m sorry or I am wrong. Pride is destroying our marriages. Sometimes, you just have to be the bigger person and apologize even if you’re right. Be the peacemaker and keep the peace.
So, so true, Jewell. I’ve found I do this quite a bit and over the last year or so, I don’t feel resentful for having to do it. It makes life so much better around here!
If I could add to the list, I would add:
-Realize that you and your spouse will learn new things about one another everyday.
-Allow your spouse to have some “Me”time and give them space.
-Know that the “silent treatment” is not a means of communication! When my husband and I first got married, when we would disagree, he would just shut down. Growing up, his father was such a domineering man and my husband thought that was the way “real men” were supposed to be. His father ruled their home and his word was the law of the land. So, my husband felt that once we were married, that is the way our home would be. But, he soon found out that I am the Queen of the “silent treatment” and he found another way to express himself while taking his place as the head of our family and honoring me at the same time.
-Be realistic about marriage itself and be willing to put in the work!
-Know that you cannot change anyone, but GOD can.
So Unika, with the silent treatment, I’m guessing my tactic isn’t right either? I withhold food AND do the silent treatment. Aahhha. Okay, at least I’m being honest, but I do feel that if I can’t be appreciated, treated with respect, I can just stop cooking dinner 5-6 days a week. (Things usually get better around dinnerless night #2).
LOL….Im falling out here…Tee, but I promise I feel ya!! See my hubby is the one who cooks every day for me because he works nights. He cooks and me and the boys clean….so he comes home to a clean house every morning and I come home to a wonderfully prepared meal everyday….But, we realized that the silent treatment wasn’t getting us anywhere. He began to notice that he would often forget important things that he wanted to say to me while I would get madder by the day. But Tee, although our tactics may have not been the right thing to do, they seem to have gotten our husband’s attention! For me, that is the point! You are right, I like to be appreciated and want to know that what I’m sacrificing and putting in the marriage is appreciated and reciprocated….that’s just me now….LOL
LOL…well, I’m sure Jewell’s gonna get me, but it does work.
-Tee
My husband and I have been married for 21 years and far as the easiest is complimenting each other by saying I love you and appreciate you and making eye contact when we speak.
The hardest is controlling my emotions because I can be very arguementive. It’s my way or no way and that’s something I know I need to work on.
The ones I would like for us to work on are speaking the same things, praying together, and I need to work on my emotions…not letting them get the best of me.
Sharon
My advice is to do one at a time until you start seeing success and then move on. I started each day by saying, “I am not going to curse my husband out today” and once I was successful (although sometimes I failed) I then moved on to the next (i.e. listening to him more attentively).
Welcome, Jewell!! Thank you for sharing these tips. I think tip 12 can be used in any type of relationship, whether spouses or parent and child. ‘I love you’…is a powerful statement!!!
Thanks Jamie
Yes, I love you is a powerful statement.
Okay, I know Jewel isn’t here yet, but I have a question for her and for those who may want to ask, but not know how. (And if anyone wants to answer, please do so).
What do you do when the marriage doesn’t seem balanced? When it seems only one person is working toward a successful marriage and they’re simply tired? Is it okay to give up?
Hi Tee
Daughter had an Honors Assembly this am. Thanks for your patience. At anytime you can quit and give up on anything in life. But success and victory comes to those who do not quit. A war is not won unless you fight in the battle. Victory is not achieve unless you do the impossible. When you are weary, God says do not be weary in well doing. You will reap if you faint not. Keep your eyes on the prize – a happy thriving marriage. It can happen if you faint not.
No problem, Jewell! I hope the assembly went well. We appreciate you taking the time to be so involved with the blog tour today. It is always wonderful to have the opportunity to chat with the author one-on-one.
Thanks for answering my question too as I know in marriages there are always ups & downs, and it’s not always sunshine and happiness. I think for some, taking the time to evaluate your marriage, your faults & issues, and then spending some time apart, in counseling or both can really be helpful. Speaking from experience, it truly makes you look at things from a point of view that may not match yours.
I think at this point (came close to being there) you have to sit down and have a grown up conversation about you both really want determine your vision (see I did read the whole message) and be honest about your feelings. After you do that decided if it’s something you both still want to work towards and if one of you says “maybe” take that as a yes and start working on your issues. Keep doing relationship self-checks. I think there are very few cases when it’s ok to give up?
Thanks Jewell for blessing us with these 15 tips!! They are so on point.
*BLOG TOUR DRAWING QUESTIONS:
Of the 15 ways to communicate effectively listed above, which ones seem the easiest?
The easiest ones for me are #5 “Pray together” and #8 “Communicate with your spouse”.
Praying together was established early in our relationship when we began dating. It really came natural to me because of the way that I was raised. I was raised praying with my parents, grand parents, and other family members on a regular basis. Communicating with my husband comes easy because I am a talker. I love to talk to him because he does listen very well and he tries to understand what I am telling him.
The hardest? Why?
I would say that the hardest are #1 “Listen attentively” and #15 “Control your emotions”.
I don’t always listen attentively when my husband and I are discussing things because I am thinking of my reply and focusing on trying to tell him before I forget. Also, I am an emotional person and with him, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I often find myself telling him that he should know how I’m going to react to certain things that he does or says so don’t do it. He is just the opposite and really doesn’t let anything bother him and feels that I should just calm down sometimes and that really pisses me off more. And yet again, I feel that after all these years, he should know that so why do it? Its not that I’m irrational but sometimes when I’m upset, I just don’t like for people to tell me to calm down because I feel that I have a right to feel the way that I do and he should understand.
Which one(s) do YOU need to work on?
I know that I need to work on #4 “Think before you speak” and #10 “Understand what your mate is trying to say”.
I am a very “head strong” woman. I have been that way all of my life. I am the person whose had to run things in my family growing up and even now. Sometimes, instead of discussing things with my husband, I tell him what we are going to do instead of asking his opinion and coming to a decision together. I really need to work on that because I know that we are a team and that can sometimes come off as disrespectful. I really need to work on understanding what he is trying to say.
Hi, Jewell. Thanks for sharing the 12 tips with us. I also enjoyed hearing about your personal story/testimony. I’m not married (divorced), but I think that I can benefit from applying these tips to my committed relationship now. Communication and understanding is really so key to making any relationship work.
Yes communication is key. Everything surrounds it. For example, if you have having sexual problems, can’t resolve it unless you talk about it. We all communicate differently and understanding our spouses is essential to communicating more effectively.
As a reminder, to be considered for the DATE NIGHT GIVEAWAY, you must answer the question at the end of the article. (You don’t have to leave your email address as I can get it from my end.)
-Tee
Thanks for the reminder, Tee.
Of the 15 ways to communicate effectively listed above, which ones seem the easiest?
-3, 9, 13
I’ve been with my BF for almost 4 years. So, I know what he expects of me and I’m pretty sure he knows what I expect of him. I also like to look him in the eye when I communicate.
The hardest?
15, 10, 4
I am very emotional, so sometimes it’s hard for me to keep those emotions in check whenever we’re discussing something. Also, though I talk and communicate a lot, sometimes I may take what he’s saying in a manner that wasn’t intended. So, being able to really understand where he’s coming from is very important. And listening while he’s talking rather than formulating my response is something that I need to work on.
Why? Which one(s) do YOU need to work on?
Hope, this is wonderful that you can acknowledge this.
I think one of the hardest things for me is realizing that I don’t HAVE to understand everything. I’m always asking hubby “so, help me understand what you mean” and sometimes he thinks I’m being mean.
-Tee
Maybe it is in how you say. Instead of saying Help me to understand, you may want to say, I believe you are saying this, is that correct? If a spouse has a hard time communicating, you will have to make sure your environment is right. For example, when you are laying in bed and cuddling or when you are taking a walk together.
Thanks, Jewell! I’ll incorporate this into the conversation the next time it comes up.
That’s a great point, Tee, and a great follow up, Jewell. I don’t have to understand everything, and when that happens, it’s just another way to open the dialogue (i.e., I think you’re saying X; is that right?).
Thanks for the post. I’ll be getting married next year and am always looking for good resources.
Blog Tour Questions:
Of the 15 ways to communicate effectively listed above, which ones seem the easiest?
The easiest things so far have been #2 and #12. We are both very purpose driven which helps when writing the vision and so far we have been like-minded enough that our visions are normally the same. We aren’t married yet and I know this won’t always be the case but I think it has been a strong point so far. #12 is a principle we have subscribed too for so long. People often wonder why we say I love you no matter how many times we talk to each other but it is something that is important to us, to always tell each other how much we appreciate and love the other.
The hardest? #5. While we pray together at church and read the Bible together at home, we have yet to pray together at home.
Which one(s) do YOU need to work on? The biggest one I need to work on is #5. We try to find time a couple of nights a week to read but we don’t often pray. The others on the list I feel we (or I) do good at but having the list is a constant reminder to make sure I am actively doing these things rather than doing them because they are part of our routine.
I’m so happy for you, Criss and I think it’s wonderful that you two are already looking at things to make it a great marriage.
-Tee
Criss
Yes, you both are looking good right now. But marriage for some reason is a different ballgame. My biggest advice to you (which you seem to be doing right now) is to continue to get wisdom and knowledge. Always be proactive, reading marriage books, going to marriage conferences, etc. Most people don’t seek help until it is too late. I coach women with my quarterly newsletters, seminars, and other products, please sign up at http://www.marriage101.us to stay ahead of the game so you can have that ‘happily ever after’ marriage. God Bless
My husband and I have been together for 25 years, and married for 23 of those years. He is so totally my soul mate. The one thing he verbally asked of me when we married was not to spread our business outside the home. Now, that’s tough, considering women are more communicative than men (verbally, at least) and usually likes to vent to their mothers, sisters, girlfriends, pastors, etc. This one is still a tough one to get around, and I’ve had to negotiate with him on it over the years, but for the most part, it makes me take my issues to him and God, not outside of the home. It has worked for us. Friends and family are constantly using our marriage as an example, because they rarely witness our problems, but we have issues. We’ve just learned how to fight with love and to significantly keep our business to ourselves.
The easiest of the 15 ways to communicate, for me, is to make eye contact. I’m a business woman, so I got this perfected years ago.
The toughest for me is to really listen to him. My husband is so talented and so handy, but he is lazy as hell. I used to gripe about the grass not being cut, not having help with the housework, etc. etc. He would tell me how tired he is and I would respond with, “you think I’m not tired? I work too, and I nuture the kids, I clean the house, I pay the bils, I-I-I-I-I,,,,” Finally, I had to realize that response wasn’t working. We just both stayed tired, so I worked it into the budget to hire someone to cut the grass and come in and clean the house once a week. It made him beef up the things he felt he had more time to do, like spend quality time with our kids and take me out on dates, take the garbage out on time, etc. It made us both better people.
We need to work on praying together. I am such a controlling person, such a ‘know-it-all,’ that I find myself giving instructions and making rules without consulting God and then hubby first. I go to prayer and make sacrifices all the time, but I forget to extend a hand and ask hubby to come along. This would be so much more significant if we would do it together.
I love those 15 “marriage must-haves”.
Oooh ooh! I’m co-signing on the “I’m tired too” conversation. We joke about me eating bon-bons all day, but most days I am BEAT by the time he gets home from work. I want to be left alone with some peace and quiet. LOL. I’m learning not to be argumentative though and just make sure I realize what’s worth fighting over. Sometimes, a sink full of dirty dishes aren’t worth it, so I simply leave them in the sink overnight if he’s too tired too. I know…yuck! ROFL. But…it works.
Congrats on 25 years, sis!! This is awesome and a day I look forward to celebrating with my husband.
-Tee
Thanks, Tee. I’ve learned that just because one hasn’t been busy doing what I expected to get done, doesn’t mean one hasn’t been busy doing important stuff.
There ya go, sis! I think we all fail to see this at one time or another. Or even more deeply…sometimes what we think is important isn’t as important to them. For instance, sometimes I don’t want to be bothered. I’m tired and I want to be left alone. Granted, I’m not really doing anything, but it’s important for me to get those few hours on Saturday after a long week, just to myself. The same goes for him and the downtime he wants.
The light bulb I can’t reach really isn’t that major on most occasions. It took me a while to learn that one.
DJ-
Keeping the drama in the house is such a good point. We have friends that will argue out in public when we are with them and I just don’t get it. The time and place to discuss disagreements is when you are in private. And you have to be careful who you discuss marriage problems with too. Not everyone who offers advice should and that is how people can get into more relationship trouble.
Yes, Criss. And not to mention how, he says he’d feel coming around my friends and family, not knowing how much, if anything, I’ve shared with them and in what light he’s been painted. Awkward… And I’d feel the same way, if I had to guess whether or not he was sharing our business with others. Sometimes, I’ll go to him and say, “I really need to talk to my sister about this, just to get her opinion on __________. And most times he understands. We get a real sense of partnership and trust when we can be sure that the only two people in our mess is us and that we’ll clean it up together. Now it’s natural to turn to each other.
I agree with both of your statements. Another thing I do is when I need to share, vent or look for an opinion I have two friends to go to for advice one is married and the other isn’t so it’s like getting two POVs (I admit neither of them knows everything that goes on because to me no one should know all except for the two of you).
Good points, ladies! I think a lot of marriages would be saved a lot of grief if they kept things private as much as possible. I have a couple of girlfriends that I can gab it up with to get me through those rough patches, so I think it can be helpful. But, I also need to work on giving hubby the time he needs (when he’s ready) to discuss things.
I’m a big fan of keeping things private. Long after I’ve forgotten the “wrong” that my hubby or BF has done to me, my family and friends will still remember….and will hold that against him.
Hope that is so true and it makes you want to say “I got over it so why haven’t you?”
Ladies, you all are on point with your comments! This dialogue really helps. As for keeping our business private, my hubby and I established this early on. I am a very private person and he is as well. I dont tell anyone anything that is going on in my marriage or in my home. As far as I know, he does not discuss our business either.
In my opinion, this keeps outside influences from clouding our judgement about situations and making more out of them than they really are. Also, as you ladies stated previously, I may be over something while the person that I shared information with may hold a grudge.
DJ, I too can be one of the “know it all” and decisions without asking him or God what should be done. That has been one of the hardest things for me to change and just generally asking for help. I had been independent so long that making decisions and doing things was natural it’s taken some work but we’re a lot better than we use to be.
Wana, that was another one I’d add to the list:
Learn to depend on your spouse; let him/her help you. We all like to feel needed and sometimes many of us are used to doing things ourselves that we kinda forget this. Coming into our marriage, I really had to learn to take a step back and let him “take care of me” sometimes.
Amen sistah!! (virtual high five) I come from a long line of “take control” women. Women have always run things in my family whether they were married or not. I was taught to not have to depend on a man for nothing!! (well, maybe one thing…LOL) I can change oil, a light bulb, fix a flat, paint all of the above. The women in my family control the finances, how the house is run, while the men work hard and bring their money home, it was up to the women to decide what to do with it….So, this was really a tough one for me. Basically, I was taught to be self sufficient but often that is mistaken for not allowing a man to be a man. My husband was raised to be chivalrous but I had to learn to let him. Early on, when we would walk in a restaurant, I would be the first one to reach for the door handle and would often jump out of the car before he did and he wouldn’t have a chance to open the door for me. Before my husband proposed to me, he told me what he would do and what he wouldn’t…what he could do and what he couldn’t. So, he had to sit me down and make me realize that I had a good man now and all he needed me to do was to allow him to take care of me….that day, I was just about to say, “I don’t need you to take care of me, I can take care of myself” but that instance it was again proven to me that GOD is an on time GOD because he would not allow me to say it. It had to be nothing but GOD cause sistah, it was on the tip of my tongue!! LOL
My cousin and I were just talking about this on today. She wants to be taken care of and wants to allow the man to be the head of the household, making all important decisions on behalf of the family. I say this is what I want, too. But, I still want my 2 cents to count and I want me and my mate to be in agreement about major decisions.
How do you strike a balance?
Hope, that is a major hurdle in some marriages. In my opinion, you and your significant other must discuss this topic early in the relationship. Our home life is based on mutual respect. I made sure that my husband was aware of the fact that I am willing to stand beside him and NOT behind him!! I also told him that I am willing and able to let him lead as long and we discuss the road that we will travel as a family. We discussed, in great detail, our individual roles as man and wife as well as our parental roles.
Our marriage is a democracy and not a dictatorship! No one person has the final say. We discuss what we need to and then decide what is best for our family as a whole.
I agree with you completely, Unika. It would be very difficult for me to allow someone else to make all decisions for me. I’m not in conflict with my SO about this. I run into conflict whenever I try to determine the role of a submissive woman from a biblical perspective.
D.J. thanks for that, you have great wisdom to share. We need the older women to teach the younger women. My husband learned a hard lesson when he would tell his family our business. He noticed that people would have an attitude towards me and/or rumors would fly that we were heading to divorce (again). He said, he had to stop saying negative things about me and when he started speaking good things about me, it also changed his attitude towards me as well.
I feel like all I keep saying is “me, too” and “I agree,” but this one really hits home as it was hard for my husband to see the problems with this early on. It finally got through after the counseling, but it was a rough 4-5 years of always having to live through all the negatives that were reported back and never was there a mention of all the positive things that had been going on.
Of the 15 ways to communicate effectively listed above, which ones seem the easiest?
The hardest? Why? Which one(s) do YOU need to work on?
The easiest for me is listening attentively, because that’s the only way for me to know what’s going on.
The hardest and what I need to work on the most is controlling my emotions and communicating. I can be stubborn sometimes and when I get that way it’s not a pretty sight. I need to remember that others are not privy to my thoughts and I need to express them aloud (it’s kinda hard to speak when at times when you mostly listen).
Jaime L. Lincoln
I’d like to suggest spending quality time with your SO as well. Jewell mentioned prayer but we should add general quality time as well. Everyone gets busy and have moments when they are tired but be sure to take time out, even if it is just 5 minutes, to relax with your mate. If we don’t take the time to build our relationships on a continual basis, all the work we have done will start to fade away and we’ll end up on two different paths.
Criss, that’s a great addition. Quality time is very important and often overlooked.
Yes, Criss! I talk about that more when I discuss sex & intimacy. Spending time with one another creates intimacy.
This is such great advice, Criss! Sadly, we don’t have a babysitter, so that’s our excuse a lot of times for not having date night or doing something together, but I’ve found that family night can be just as rewarding. And, there are those times when we get the kids to bed that we can talk, walk TV or just have some quiet time reading. There’s nothing like that giggling in the middle of the night.
I often don’t have a sitter either, so my son, BF and I spend a lot of time together. However, it’s important for me to take time out for them both separately, and to spend quality time with each of them.
Great advice Criss.
How do we define “quality” time? Is it something we both enjoy doing? Can it be just sitting at home relaxing together?
To me quality time is defined differently by each couple. For us, it changes day by day. It may mean a 10 minute walk around the neighborhood or us watching a 2 hr movie. Just as long as you two are connecting in some way as a couple
Just had this conversation a few weeks ago because I was like I’m always doing my thing and you’re doing yours we need to do stuff together. We had to define what quality or us time meant to us and I’m sure it’s different for every couple. So for us it’s sitting together watching a movie at home or a tv show that we both want to watch not I’m watching xxx so if you want to spend time with me you can just watch it too. That irks me to no end. We also play video games together and go out for an occasional meal but mostly it’s carry out. We do make it a point to eat dinner together.
My husband and I have been together 12 years and married for 4.
For me the easiest is…
Know the best time to talk with your mate. (I have learned this the hard way. my husband does not understand english when he wakes up or when sports are on.)
The hardest…
Control your emotions/Think before you speak, thereby giving yourself time to speak your words with love. (I really love to argue my point, which is why I should have stayed on path and become a lawyer. I let my emotions control my tongue, even when that little voice tells me to stop, enough has been said!)
I need to work on….
Conduct family meetings regularly.
Pray together.
Know your spouse and why she does what she does (for example, is it based on her upbringing? military background? being from a single-parent home? growing up poor?).
the hardest thing for us was that we were raised different. Me by both my parents, him by his mom with his dad on the outside until he was about 15. Holidays were celebrated by both families, but my parents really made a big deal and went all out with certain things that my husband thinks are a waste of money.
Hi Lashonda
Yes! I cannot talk to my husband when he wakes up – he is such a grouch.
Hi Lashonda! Thanks for joining in and woo hoo on 12 years! Was it hard for you those 8 years prior to getting married? Did you ever think you would date so long?
-Tee
Tee,
I never thought I would date so long. I kept holding out for the dream wedding that I could not afford. While in vegas for a friends weddign he drove me to the court house and asked me did I want to et married. We filed the paperwork, went to a chapel and got hitched.
I think it was easier becaise I did not think in terms of this is my husband we have to make this work, we kinda just existed. The title of wife and husband has changed how I look at the relationship.
Lashonda,
I feel ya on understanding your mates upbringing. My husband and I were raised totally different. I was raised by my parents and grandparents and so was he but our home lives were total opposite. I grew up with traditions and grand celebrations for birthdays and holidays while he grew up with most of these days being just another day and couldn’t understand why I would want to go to my grandmother’s house on Christmas Eve so I could help cook. I kept assumign that it would be special for him too while he just couldn’t comprehend what the big deal was. He didn’t realize how special that was to me and that is when my grandmother would share her infinite wisdom while all of her daughters and grand daughters were together in one place. The men would watch football, play cards, or watch movies while the women cooked. He felt as though he could do that at home. Also, I come from an extremely large family. My grandmother had 13 children and all are living except 3. After a discussion with my husband, I realized that he wanted to establish our own traditions, so we have had to compromise.
Unika, that is BIG! Yes, each generation/family should start their own traditions because of that very reason. I don’t celebrate too many things, to me its just another day. But my husband, he wants a gift, balloons the whole 9 yards for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and when he washes the dishes
Exactly how it was for us. Looking forward to the food was not even big for him because my mother in law cooks like it is a celebration all the time. I still have my stocking from my 1st christmas and he has never had one. Once our kids got older and once he watched my daughter, from a previous marriage interact with the things I did for them he got into the spirit more. He still does not get why I bite a cookie, throw most of the milk out and write a thank you letter from Santa. Iam converting him slowly but surely.LOL
This is a very interesting discussion and now I know why Im single and why I shall stay that way.
I believe this is the beauty of marriage. Although, the learning process may be a little difficult at first but when you finally get it – it is the beauty of ‘oneness’
The learning process is a “lot” difficult!! It was for me but I got it and still learning.
Ok. Yes, it was “very difficult” for me to. I definitely used the wrong word. But I can honestly it gets better. And I am still learning as well. Thank you all for your openness and wisdom.
Jewell
This is such a great help..
#12 is my easiest and I do it so much no matter where or when sometimes I think I sound like a broken record but I want him to know..he is one who does not say as much but he will txt or call at least daily while working..
#7 Hard because I came from a single parent home and he came from both parents raising him so he feels the need to budget and discuss and that the man should handle and I do on impulse that my way is only way..
#11 Hard because this is my 2nd marriage so I sometimes get angry because of simple stuff like a call if you late because I feel like I should know and I be so pissed and then he will say I am a teacher sometimes a parent might come in a talk unannouced…but I will hold it and be angry..for no reason and he says I does that because of past problems…
Hi Joyce
Well is he right? Do you do that because of your past relationships?
yes I guess I do because my previous marriage I had a cheating spouse although my spouse and I have been together for 15 years I guess I am still afraid to trust and beleive when I am told the truth…..and it sometimes drives a deep wedge in our marriage…
Wow! The discussion today is amazing! Like a lot of folks I wish I had this book earlier in my life. I’m one of the ones who didn’t make it.
Tee, thanks for hosting Jewell on RAWSistaz.
Jewell, thank you for letting God use you to teach and encourage people to grow in their marriages.
No, thank you and Tee. This is my first time doing something like this. I LOVE IT!
You have made it such a rewarding experience by actually participating and for that, I appreciate you! It’s one thing to have someone post your information, but then to take the time to stop through and join the discussion??? It’s what makes readers fans for life.
I know I’ll be buying the book.
Ditto! Tee, I will be purchasing the book for both my husband and myself.
Awe. I am getting emotional (in a good way LOL).
I am so very thankful for this discussion. Although, I am a very private person, this discussion has been theraputic for me. It is good to know that there are ministries out there to assist couples who are struggling with common and uncommon issues. I’ve often thought about the fact that although my husband and I went to marriage counseling before we got married and learned a great deal, we were not mentally prepared for the amount of hard work that it takes to have a successful marriage.
The 15 tips discussed here will not only help us to establish the kinds of relationships that we would like to have with our significant others, but the tips have shown me that I still need to “check myself” from time to time to be sure that as a wife I am on the right track. There are still things that I should and could do differently and better and I will.
I know I am going to purchase this book for myself and probably for my son and daughter-in-law because they need a lot of these questions answered for them……
Just reading what is being discussed today may make those of us that aren’t married wonder if marriage is possible. I know I have my days when this thought crosses my mind, but I try not to concentrate on it. So what advice do you have that ponder this question?
Jaime L. Lincoln
Jamie
Yes, marriage is possible. But going into knowing that 1) it is work; 2) all marriages have problems/challenges that they need to overcome; and 3) it requires sacrifice. You must not only be willing to share your life but give your life as well. I tell single people that they can’t go into marriage saying “I can’t live without them” but to ask yourself “If they never change, can I live the rest of my life with them?
Jamie. Marriage is definitely possible and it’s a wonderful thing you just have to be prepared to work for it and on it.
Hi Jewell.
Thank you for posting these 15 ways to communicate. I can honestly say that keeping my emotions in control was a serious problem for me and kept my relationship on edge. Over the years with much prayer I have gotten a better grasp on that an I can see a tremendous change in the relationship. It is so much mellow and smoother now.
Hi Ladena, that is great! When we change, it changes our circumstances.
I love this list. I have been with my husband for 22 years, married for close to 12 and I can admit that I/we had issues from our past that spilled over into our marrieage even though we had been together for a long time. Not being willing to let one another in on the dark sides of our past led to a road of self-destruction and dysfunction. It took us almost losing the marriage to let out guards down and begin to trust in one another with out hopes, dreams and most importantly, our fears.
Of the 15 ways to communicate effectively listed above, which ones seem the easiest?
#12- I offer compliments and “I Love You’s” all the time to my husband and children. This allows me the opportunity to let them know that I appreciate the small things that are often times overlooked or taken for granted in our everyday lives.
The easiest for me is #14. People used to think I was crazy when I talked about having family meetings. It was an opportunity for the four of us to it down and talk about how we felt about different things, where we were headed as a family, school updates, etc. They worked for a while and I feel like it helped us stay connected as a couple and a family.
The hardest?
#15- Oh Lawd…. I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I’m always at one end of the spectrum. Either I am able to keep my feelings in check, or I am exploding and letting it all out. I have gotten better over the years, however, it took a lot of work.
Which one(s) do YOU need to work on?
The one’s I need to work on personally are #8 and #11. I have always had a hard time expressing myself to my husband. I hold things in until I explode and then he is looking at me like “whoa, where did that come from”. Also, I don’t forgive too easily. I tend to hold on to things and even if I forgive a person, I never forget and that hinders me as a person from growing from the experience because I am holding on the the memories or the transgression.
Peaches
We do the family meetings also.
How do you get your husband to participate in “family meetings”? When I approach my husband about sitting down and having a talk, he automatically says “Oh, Lawd…what now?” Most of the times it’s nothing he does wrong, I just want to sit down and talk about…us. We don’t have children, but I still agree that regular meetings to talk “business” and plans is good.
Gabrielle,
That is a good question. I had to deal with that one early in my marriage too. What I had to do was to try a different approach. Instead of me saying, “we need to talk”, “let’s have a meeting”, or something of that nature, I would just compliment him on something that he did that day or that week. I would say something like, you are a really good husband and I thank GOD for blessing me with you. I know Im not perfect, but thank you for loving me in spite of……that will throw him off and wont give him the chance to get defensive. We have also had great discussions after intimacy.
I am CRACKING UP! I can so see a man with the “Oh Lawd, what now” question and look on his face. But, Unika, I love how you break it down.
:::taking notes:::
-Tee
We sit down on New Year’s Day and plan for the year. Trips/Vacations, major purchases, goals, etc… Then every month we discuss if we are on target or if we need to make adjustments. It keeps us on the same page. Unika gave some good advice on how to approach it. Good Luck
I like how you break it down, too. Maybe I do need to try a different approach. You bring up another point that a little compliment can go along way.
LOL. And Tee, yes, he really does overdo the “Oh, Lawd”. Sometimes I feel really rejected as if he feels like the only time I want to talk is when he does something wrong. That’s not really true.
Thanks ladies,
Another thing that I have learned to is that since I have been creative with my approach to discussions with my husband, he has begun to do the same thing. LOL….
ROFL, too funny!
@Gabriel…LOL…my husband is the one who suggested the family meetings and I was the one with the OMG thinking….LOL
ooops…sorry Gabrielle
Hi Peaches, there were several of us who mentioned that we let our emotions get the best of us. I was one and that is why it is on the list. Now, I walk away and give myself time to cool down. At first, my husband would follow me into the corner. But we discussed that during our heated conversations it would be best to cool down and talk at another time. As for forgiveness, when we release it, we actually become free. Unforgiveness is like a cancer it gets worst because it adds other ingredients such as bitterness, anger, resentment, etc.
Just wanted to pop in and send a big THANKS to everyone for participating today. It is great to have this opportunity to share experiences which can help us all! I’ll be back in to add more thoughts & comments in a bit, but feel free to carry on.
-Tee
This is a great artlcle. I need a great research book like this to refer to. My husband and I have been together for about 9 years, but we have only been married for 2 and a half years.
The easiest for me would have to be #2, Learn to speak the same things. Had we not been on the same page about our present and future, I don’t think we could have gotten married. The hardest for me now is #1 and #4, Listening attentively and thinking before I speak. I am shame to say that I either end up talking over my husband or always wanting to get the last word in. We need to work on all of these. I am also still skeptical that every relationship is a perfect one. Communication is the key and that’s what my husband and I need to work on most.
Gabby a.k.a TygerLily
Very interesting discussion. I am honestly not trying to pull a shameless plug here, but the couple in my debut novel, Secrets and Lies need this book. I’m so glad I’m following the tour, because now I have the book I’m going to recommend to readers who share that they’re struggling in their marriages or singles who are considering marriage. I’ve already had a few reviewers tell me that they’re going through some of the same things so this is an opportunity to introduce them and others to book that could really help them.
Thanks so much. Sounds like a winner Jewell!
Hey there, Rhonda. Thanks for stopping by and joining us…it is appreciated. I’m LOL @ your characters needing the book and think that’s something to consider if there’s a sequel.
I love when I see a character reading a book I’ve read or heard about, as long as it’s not overkill.
-Tee
LOL…Rhonda…I totally agree about your characters needing this book.
Sharon you know they need this book BAD!!! LOL. Lord help ‘em.
I know you have to watch that carefully Tee. Stephanie Perry Moore shows up in one her books. Abiding Hope, I think. It was hysterical. Very cute.
Thanks Rhonda I appreciate your support.
Okay, so to put the extra tips down in one place, this is what we have so far:
16) Learn to say you’re sorry and/or acknowledge when you’re wrong.
17) Realize that you and your spouse will learn new things about one another everyday.
18) Allow your spouse to have some “Me”time and give them space.
19) Know that the “silent treatment” is not a means of communication!
20) Do not spread all of your personal business outside the home.
21) Spend quality time together.
22) Be realistic about marriage itself and be willing to put in the work!
23) Know that you cannot change anyone, but GOD can.
24) Learn to depend on your spouse; let him/her help you.
Anyone have more? Or did I miss any?
-Tee
Maybe something about not always wanting to get the last word in…I have a problem with that.
I especially like # 20, Do not spread all of your personal business outside the home. Spreading your business could result in too much confusion and side stories. The only thing that a husband and wife should be focused on is just that, themselves, not what “Mr. and Mrs. Jones” would think.
I like that Gabrielle. I actually discussed that in my Communication mini book. You don’t have to have the last word if you are working on the solution. Having the last word means you want to win the argument not about finding a solution to the problem.
Thanks! I will remember that.
# 19- I have “war” stories about the “silent treatment”. I/ We are both a tad bit on the stubborn side and I/ we would walk around for weeks without saying anything to one another. We only asked/answered questions as they pertained to the kids or other household needs. That was a really rough patch in our marriage and it wasn’t until a counselor that we were taking my son to said something about it that clicked in both of us.
That was the first of many turning points for me because I was so absordeb in who was right and who was wrong, that I didn’t think about how I was a contributing factor to our dysfunction.
Lesson learned,
I have one more.
Encourage your spouse… to achieve their dreams and goals and just to help get them through the day. We all have rough days and sometimes all we need is a little encouragement.
For those who haven’t stopped by Jewell’s website at http://www.marriage101.us, please do so. Also, check out her Radio Show at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/marriage-101.
-Tee
Jewel:
Nice pointers to go by. I’ve been married 27 years and believe me we’ve fought over finances mainly. I find we communicate well except with that. Could be because of layoffs, downsizing and not making what we made years ago. This is something I am working on with our relationship. I need to purchase that book. I’ll definitely check out your website. Thanks for sharing.
Tee thanks for the invite
Wow! This is great stuff!! I am following the tour to support our VLW sister Jewell and I am enjoying the comments and the information. I have been married for 14 MONTHS! My husband I are very mature in how we handle our issues which has really helped with arguments…we don’t have them. Yes we disagree but we know how to agree that we don’t agree with one another and keep it moving. Yep…my husband can be blunt but he will come back an apologize for his words or his tone. I am the non-confrontational one but I have learned how to say how I feel instead of shutting down.
Thanks Jewell!! Thank you Tee!!!!
While all tips are eqaully important to any relationship, easiest tip for me is knowing what my mate expects of me and the relationship. I had to learn that one the hard way but in hindsight, it seems like a simple thing.
The hardest one for me is thinking before I speak. I tend to want to address all the issues at the moment so that I don’t carry those thoughts/feelings around with me. Sometimes, though, it is better to let the issue cool down before I dump more fuel on the fire.
The one that I think I need the most work with is conducting family meetings. I guess I never really thought about this and didn’t see the need but it is something that we may need to work on.
Whew AWESOME conversation !
I agree! One of the best ever. Thank you all so much for participating. I hope everyone will get a copy of Jewell’s book, too.
Jewell, thanks so much.
-Tee
I missed the conversation yesterday, but wanted to add there were some great comments made. And I need to work on #1.
I had a hard time staying on line (Doggone Vista!!) so I missed this one. Great points though. I’m not married and I think that these tips would work in all types of relationships. Excellent points made!