Dwan Abrams is a full-time novelist, freelance editor, and publisher. She’s the best-selling author of My Mother’s Child (the sequel to Divorcing the Devil), Married Strangers, Divorcing the Devil, Only True Love Waits, and The Scream Within. She’s the founder, publisher, and editorial director of Nevaeh Publishing, LLC a small press independent publishing house. She’s currently signed to Urban Christian, an imprint of Urban Books/Kensington. Her sixth novel, the second book in the Married Series, is set to hit national bookshelves in 2011.
Visit Dwan online at http://dwanabrams.com.
ABOUT THE BOOK
Lyric Stokes lives, by most standards, a charmed life. Married to Michael Stokes, a prominent heart surgeon, she has financial security and lives in the lap of luxury. All is not perfect, though. Lyric feels inadequate because she gave birth to a daughter, rather than the son that her husband so desperately wanted.
After an unexpected turn of events, Lyric discovers that she’s pregnant again, but now she has to decide whether she even wants to keep the child she has longed for. She seeks solace in her church, where her daughter also feels at home; but they can’t get Michael to join them. Disagreeing with organized religion, he has put his job before all else, including God. The distance between the couple grows further every day.
Nigel Fredericks has a history of stalking women. He’s been accused, but never convicted. Now he’s set his sights on Lyric. She’s at a low point in her life, and Nigel knows just how to take advantage of that vulnerability. Lyric’s life is turned upside down; Nigel is like a cancer eating away at her mental stability, her marriage, and ultimately, her life. Will Michael reevaluate his priorities and his faith in time to save his family?
CHAT/DISCUSSION
Read brief excerpt from My Mother’s Child …
Lyric couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t bless her with a son. If only she could get pregnant. She really wanted to give Michael, her husband of fifteen years, a son, a namesake. No matter how much Michael assured her that he was happy with her and their twelve-year-old daughter, Autumn, a part of her felt as if she were less than a woman because she couldn’t give her husband a son.
On the surface, she didn’t lack for anything―big house, fancy cars, and money. She didn’t know whether she was the luckiest or unluckiest, woman in the world.
A lot of women think that having a husband with money would make them happy. Why do you think that women who seem to have it all still find something to complain about? Could it be that some women are never satisfied and want what they can’t have? LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS BELOW.
View the blog tour schedule and read an excerpt at http://bit.ly/MyMothersChild.
*A Tywebbin Blog Tour
D’wan, thanks so much for joining us today. To jump straight into answering your question, I don’t necessarily think these women are complaining per se, I simply think they don’t know what they want. Or they have big expectations of what something is and are disappointed to find out it’s not exactly what they imagined.
I’m looking forward to hearing what everyone else has to say.
-Tee
It is funny that you would ask that, the other day I was talking to a young woman I mentor and she said, ‘Love should never mean pain…” I told her ‘Honey, there is a lot of pain in loving someone…’ She looked at me as though I were nuts, I explained to her that love is NOT being disrespected or abused, but there is pain in all kinds of love, be it marital, child rearing, etc. wherever two people are together and are different. Pain is bound to show up. Also I think we have taught women they can have everything, without having to compromise anything and that is so not true. Life is built around compromises…and choices. And while we want everything we must realized we cannot have everything at the same time. I am writing in my fifties because I chose to raise my kids and get them educated and out of the house before choosing to do something that was largely about me. Now my family supports me fully, that would probably not have happened ten or fifteen years ago…of course there are some who if you offer them the moon, they will want the sun…and as Tee said, some donot know what they really want or how to get it…
angelia
angelia
.-= angelia´s last blog ..Create Your Own Economy =-.
I agree partly with Tee, some of these women simply don’t know what they want but there is another group that like to complain just to do it or because they want the attention. I also think some women have an impression of what being happy is; they connect it to the money, house, and cars only to find out that those things don’t, can’t and won’t bring you happiness.
Partly? :::blank stare:::
ROFL…
I have a question and I’m sure the ansewr is yes but …
Are there really women out there who feel less than a woman because they can’t have a son, as if is’t something they can control? If so, why.
Hi Wana! I’m sure there are many women out there who feel that way. I once met a lady who had 9 children. The first 8 were girls and the last was a boy. She told me that she wasn’t going to quit having kids until she got her son.
:::blank stare::: I’m sorry, there is NO WAY I’d do the “no quitting until I get a son” after child #2. Ahahha. Thankfully God blessed us with that boy the second time around because it was NOT going to happen otherwise. (Funnier even is that I wanted 3 kids prior to having any. After the first, I wanted to be done.)
Wow, that’s a bit much. Don’t see that happening for me.
Tee, I haven’t even started yet. When I was younger I wanted at least 2 and the most 4. Not sure how that’s going to happen at this point…LOL!!!! I don’t think I’ll be able to do it more than once…LOL!!!! Maybe my future husband, whomever he is, will knock it out of the ballpark with triplets and I won’t have to worry about it…LOL!!!
Wana,
there are women out there who feel less about a lot of stuff…the world is designed that way and way too many women buy into it, and chromosomes from the man determine the sex of the child…but people are in so much pain they dont even think about biology…
angelia
.-= angelia´s last blog ..Create Your Own Economy =-.
Yes, there are women that believe this. Eventhough, men are the ones that will determine the whether the sex is male of female, they aren’t able to control it.
ROFL…y’all would laugh if I told y’all what happened to us this second time around and what somebody suggested we do to guarantee a boy. Too bad I’m not a writer or I’d put it in a book. SMH…ahahha.
That is the very reason why my mother birthed 11 kids. Her second was a son by a previous marraige. She married again and had daughters for her second husband, until she got that boy on the 11th birth.
Hello All! Thanks for sharing your space with me today, Tee. To add to the discussion thread…I think a lot of women think they know what they want. As long as they don’t have what they think they want, they yearn for it. When they finally get what they thought they wanted, they tend to discover that it wasn’t all they had hyped it up to be. It’s like when we get a new car or our dream house. We take great care in keeping our new “stuff” spotless. As time goes on and the new stuff is no longer new and needs repairs and maintenance, we’re no longer happy with it. That’s also true for wanting a husband and children. Women tend to romanticize marriage and family. A lot of women go into marriage trying to prove a point; that they are as good or better homemakers than their mothers. Frustration sets in when real life kicks in. They discover that their husbands aren’t princes and their children aren’t perfect. Combine that with the internal conflicts women already face and that makes many women feel unsettled, overwhelmed, and hard to satisfy.
This is true, Dwan. You also have those putting up pretenses so one may think they have the perfect marriage or kids, but those of us with spouses and kids know better. People spend too much time trying to be “better than” someone else or needing the approval of others.
The grass really does appear to be greener on the other side, but as the saying goes, you can’t judge until you’re paying that water bill! There is no state of perfection. We can decide to be happy in our circumstances while working to change them. Most people who have not lived long enough to know better believe that if it looks perfect, it must be perfect. The media tauts having material possessions and outward beauty as perfection–in our songs, our movies, our books–then when we hear about these “perfect people” succumbing to their flaws, like Chris hitting Rhianna, DJ AM, Michael jackson, Heath Ledger, overdosing on meds, stars committing suicide, suffering anorexia, bulimia…they are like us. Life is too short to be unhappy, no matter your circumstances. We have periods of pain and grief, but we must take measures to make sure they are just that…periods, lasting as briefly as possible.
So, so true, DJ! I wish I had someone tell me this 15 years ago. LOL. There are rough days, days when you just want to go back to bed, veg out or do nothing and it took me forever (and a good friend’s advice) to know that was okay to do. She told me to live in what you feel; give yourself 24 hours and then move on. It was the best advice ever!
I think a lot has to women knowing their self worth and when they haven’t learned it, the complaining becomes an excuse instead of looking at the source. What can she do to ensure her happiness? While they hope and pray for a husband with money, they don’t think about what that truly means. More than likely he worked for his fortune, and will probably have to continue and once she that realization hits…it can be mistaken as lack of interest in her.
Another thing is that when you go for the man with money you get all that goes with a man with money…if he thinks money can get him you or anything else he can pay for, look out…I always tell the young ones, that it better be about more than what he can pay for, cause some feel if they pay for it or buy they can treat it any way they want to…
angelia
.-= angelia´s last blog ..Create Your Own Economy =-.
^5 on this. Money is NOT everything and a lot of folks, especially my generation and younger think it ends all problems.
I’m so glad you said this! I’m a young woman (**trying not to laugh…), I’m single and I don’t have any children. People are always giving me advice about looking for a man with money. !!! Some of my friends who’ve decided to use this advice as a mantra are living lives like they’re on a slave auction platform!!! …..”You always have to be more than what’s for sale” …is so true.
On the other hand, there are men who believe that if you can be with them when they don’t have it together as the actions of a desperate woman!!! There are men who feel that already have to be “built up”, so to speak, before they even begin to seek a partner.
Christina,
I think I know these people…grinning
angelia
.-= angelia´s last blog ..Create Your Own Economy =-.
LOL!!! They have visited you too!!! LOL
This is a good point too, Jaime. Women look for men to “complete” them when you should already have that completeness before moving into a relationship and eventually marriage. Yep, it’s good to complement each other, but completing me? I dunno about that one.
So true, asking someone to complete you is asking way too much, because what if they themselves, need some completing, then what…in a marriage we have to focus on strengths and complement weaknesses…I am a task manager, my husband is a crisis manager and we support and respect the other’s skill sets, more importantly we both know that we can survive without the other, we are together because we want to be…
angelia
‘we are together because we want to be…’, This is such a profound statement, Angela. Once people realize this, it will be much easier.
Lately, I’ve been asked, ‘don’t you you want kids?’ As if that will complete me and once I have kids I’ll be worthy. It amazes me that, that question isn’t preceded by the question of would you like to get married? I guess it goes back to knowing your self worth and what your worthy of, and being married and having children doesn’t make you worthy. Why would I want to have children with a man and not want to be his wife first?
So true, ever since my boys were eighteen people would ask if I had grandchildren, my answer and my sons answer was ‘We arent married…” People would look at them as though they were nuts…they were taught that, ‘If she is good enough to have your children, she is good enough to be your wife…’
angelia
.-= angelia´s last blog ..Create Your Own Economy =-.
Ha ha!! Someone at work once asked me why didn’t I have any children. They assumed because I had none, that I didn’t like children. I was thinking…”Aren’t you supposed to be married first?”….and said so. He seemed to be taken back by that.
Some in my generation look at me like I have a third arm since I don’t have any. While others that are a little older respond with you have time…LOL!!!! I forgot, that since I don’t have any children that equates to me not liking them, when that’s the furhtest from the truth for me. Thanks for the reminder, sis!!! Simply amazing!!! When they ask ridiculous questions I begin to think about the old saying of misery loves company.
I have a friend at work that is telling me she doesn’t want to wait after I am married for me to have kids. These people are just crazy. hahaha. There is nothing wrong with being married first before you have kids. Our plan is to wait at least a year to just be married before we start having any kids.
I wonder why this is? Must be residual from the past, i.e. “What mama and ‘nem may have said…” I was reading an article, I believe it was the Times, and they were talking about how financially, women in the U.S. are more financially capable and have more decision making power in thier homes and workplaces than ever before. Yet, so many women are unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s almost as if the feminist movement and women’s liberation has brought it’s own set of problems. What these problems are, may be hard to actually put a finger on…
A part of the problem is we either teach our girls to be feminine and work it, ie, get a man to take care of this that or the other, or we teach them to be tough, I dont need no man to do nothing for me I can do bad all by myself. When in fact we should have taught them what I was taught and teach, “It is okay to want a man, they bring mighty nice things to the umm table, but you have to have something that is also wanted. And that if you are going to be by yourself, ‘You can do good all by yourself’…it is okay to be soft and vulnerable and it is equally okay to be able to handle your business, t hose things are not mutually exclusive…I love my man doing things for me and I love doing things for myself…that is TRUE liberation…
angelia
.-= angelia´s last blog ..Create Your Own Economy =-.
AMEN!
It’s really important what we teach. I had great examples of strong women. They could even be said to be too strong. But I never felt in my life that I had to have a man because I never saw that. I had to become an adult and view this “…gotta have a man” mentality from girlfriends and television. I’m very soft and pink, but I can flex that muscle arm with the ‘kerchief on in a New York minute!!! LOL!
So true, it’s ok to want enjoy the company of your mate while enjoying to comapny of yourself. The key is knowing the balance. Just because you’re in a relationship or married doesn’t mean you have to put all of your focus in your mate, make some room for yourself, too. If we’re taught this, I think things will be a little easier.
I’m all late but I’m going to give my 2 cents anyways/
to answer the original question-
I think that some women feel they are entitled to the world and when they start getting things they want, they complain to get more. In the end they are never satisfied because they always feel entitled to more. Other women have been taught by other to reach for the many with money and told he is supposed to give them the world and then (like other have mentioned) some women just don’t know what they want.
I’m sure there are plenty of women who think it is their fault they can’t have a boy and the many stories listed above prove that. This isn’t just bad for the women but also the female children who may feel they aren’t good enough in the mother’s eyes since she is still working on that boy.
Lastly, Dwan, thanks for stopping by. I look forward to reading your work. From today’s topic I can tell your latest should be a good read.
Awesome conversation today! Thank you RAWSistaz for hosting and chatting with Dwan Abrams during the My Mother’s Child Blog Tour.
It is so amazing that you ladies were discussing the whole “children before/after marriage” scenario. I recently witnessed a situation at work where a co-worker just found out she was pregnant by her boyfriend of 6 years. When asked why they hadn’t gotten married yet, she responded that they were still keeping their options open. :::blank stare::::: You mean to tell me that you are okay having this man’s baby but you are not sure you want to marry him or vice versa??
What further blew my mind was that there were 3 other ladies present during this conversation……one recently divorced but got pregnant after her divorce, one who had a child before she got married and a newly wed with no children….and myself, who is unmarried with no children. The two other girls that have children were saying that it is better to have a child out of wed lock because you get the child without being bogged down with the man. Call me old-fashioned but I think there is something wrong when some “women” in our society will advocate for having a child out of wedlock…actually thinking that it is better than being married first.
Sorry I’m tardy for the pardy….LOL!!! but to answer the question…some women just can’t be pleased or they have a false conception that money, cars, fancy homes, and clothes mean happy perfect life.
I know that I am Johnny come late but had to chime in. As far as having a man with money, and all the things that money can buy, does not guarantee happiness because if the man is the one with the money he usually holds it over your head in some kind of way. All you hear is this is my money, my house, etc. This stabs at a woman’s self esteem and makes her feel inadequate. When a man is working hard for money he is normally not around and when he is, he is usually too tired to be romantic. When your husband is not giving you the affection you needs, no amount of money can make you happy. One thing I have learned is this- no amount of money can buy happiness; it must come from inside of you. Cars, houses and new things wear off quickly. After a month of so with all your toys you are back to being unhappy and looking for the next fix.