Have you ever struggled with remaining silent to avoid confrontation or making a sister-friend angry? Have you ever remained silent and regretted it? Have you broken your silence and it saved a sister?
SistahFaith – A Revolution of Restoration
Silent as the Grave by Robin Caldwell
My friend Pamela and I would recite the lines from a particular scene in the movie “Sense and Sensibility,†where one of the characters cajoles another into sharing a secret by
vowing to be as “silent as the grave†or a keeper of the secret. The scene is comedic though it ends with one woman violently attacking the other. We’d rewind that scene over and over, laughing hysterically every time we watched it. And the line, “I’ll be as silent as the grave†became a catch phrase we’d repeat in jest, in an affected British accent and as our little secret between friends.
One of the requirements of my profession (publicist) is that our code of ethics vows us to secrecy and confidentiality. You don’t ask and we don’t tell. We don’t tell, praying to God you don’t ask. Sometimes we know every angle to a story, and have to eat insults, lies and even verbal attacks in the name of being as “silent as the grave.†I’ve been silent when someone’s interpretation of an event or circumstance inconveniences my credibility and dignity. So, I sometimes think it’s not too terribly useful to have to share my side of any story for the sake of peace. My peace.
That’s Robin professionally.
Robin personally… Well, let’s just say I’ve been known to cut off people who withheld the truth from me. Two of my besties have been instructed to come and get me from the altar should my denial take me that far and it looks like I’m about to say ‘I do’ to Mr. Wrong. And if they don’t, the plan is for me to stop the ceremony to beat them down for letting me hurt myself.
To me, you tell the truth when you love someone. Right?
Etched in my heart is another idiom, “Silence is the voice of complicity,†and I’ve never understood how people could remain silent and watch as someone is hurting or being hurt. Remaining silent is like handing over a weapon or balling up a fist or signing the permission slip for abuse, assault and even death in some cases.
Remaining silent about something that has happened to you is just as deadly.
I’ve surmised that the difficulty most of us have in delivering such truths stems from an inability to tell our own truths. To tell the truth means we have to be transparent and to hear it means we have to be vulnerable. And in the interim, all of this shame and these stories are causing such pain on the inside that manifests on the outside, whether we think we’re clever, like me, in covering it up.
When Marilynn Griffith first shared her vision of SistahFaith, I was sold on two important aspects of the project. (1) Women would unite and learn to have more empathy for one another by (2) learning to be more transparent about our sufferings.
Marilynn said, “It’s time for us to lift up our skirts to show our scars.†That’s what the book represents to me. A collective group of women who have experienced the gamut in humiliations and indignities and who are willing to share our stories – lift up our skirts – so that some sister somewhere can relate and perhaps find fellowship in our common sufferings and our common triumphs. And God knows it’s needed because a unique gifting of women is that we can sure pretty up our messes, can’t we?
An irony in that scene from “Sense and Sensibility†is the violence between the two women. Yes, I laughed, but I have to admit that it saddens me that in keeping secrets we commit a form of violence against our own. Being silent as the grave can actually send someone to their grave.
Deep, ain’t it?
Have you ever struggled with remaining silent to avoid confrontation or making a sister-friend angry? Have you ever remained silent and regretted it? Have you broken your silence and it saved a sister?
ABOUT THE BOOK
Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people? (Jeremiah 8:22, NIV)
Twenty-five women, including Bunny Debarge, Sharon Ewell Foster, Stanice Anderson, Claudia Mair Burney and Marilynn Griffith, tell their stories of coming full circle from tragedy to triumph. Each contributor keeps it holy, keeping it real in these raw, relevant tales of redemption and restoration. Think of it as Prozac for the Christian Woman’s Soul!
A twelve week study is included for churches and book clubs. Instructions provided on gathering your own SistahFaith circle.
Join the network of sistahs at http://sistahfaith.ning.com/.
Check the tour schedule at http://bit.ly/SistahFaith
SISTAHFAITH CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
- MARILYNN GRIFFITH (Editor)
- STANICE ANDERSON
- TANYA R. BATES
- CLAUDIA MAIR BURNEY
- WANDA J. BURNSIDE
- ROBIN CALDWELL
- SHELETTE CARLISLE
- LADY CATHERINE
- ETTERLENE “BUNNY†DEBARGEâ€
- DEE EAST
- SHARON EWELL FOSTER
- DORIEN HAGE
- GAIL M. HAYES
- DR. NAIMA JOHNSTON
- DELORES M. JONES, MSW, LMSW
- STEPHANIE L. JONES
- CARMITA MCCALL
- LAVONN NEIL
- CARLEAN SMITH
- DAVIDAE “DEE†STEWART
- SONYA VISOR
- LITTLE SALLY WALKER
- ROSALYN “ROS†WEBB
- ROBIN R. WISE
- KISHA WOODS
Hey Robin and everyone!! It’s so great to have you with us today. Please tell us a bit more about you and then we’re going to jump straight into the discussion and questions you posed.
-Tee
Hi Tee! I’m so excited. Thank you for having me here.
Here’s a bit more about me in Robinese (the special language of Robin): Publicist/PR consultant. Tech blogger – Huffington Post, former book reviewer and editor for gospelcity.com, former college academic who taught mass-mediated images of African Americans/women, editor who has edited for a number of authors over the years most recently Pat G’Orge-Walker’s Somebody’s Sinning in my Bed. I’m a niece and friend and someone who has a heart for women and girls.
How’s that? (I hate talking about me.)
Maybe this will work for me now.
Me: PR consultant/publicist, blogger (HuffPo and PR blog), have a heart for helping women, love resale shopping, based in Cleveland.
Follow me on Twitter @thejstandard and on Facebook robinmcaldwell
LOL!! I remember meeting you on Twitter not quite two years ago. It has definitely been a pleasure getting to know you and learning more about your clients.
-Tee
Thank you, Tee and I enjoyed your tweets too. Smart, funny and every bit as insightful. Being here, at your “house,” is like being a treasured guest. Thank you so much. I’m having a blast.
For those who are ready…the questions Robin posted are:
Have you ever struggled with remaining silent to avoid confrontation or making a sister-friend angry? Have you ever remained silent and regretted it? Have you broken your silence and it saved a sister?
Yes, there have been some times when I didn’t necessarily struggle, I just didn’t say anything. I’m pretty direct and have been accused of being mean on more than one occasion when whatever I said was merely a fact. Sooooo, I’ve tried being a bit more tactful in the delivery. There are situations where I’ve chatted with girlfriends about the same issue over and over again and at a point, I get tired of the repetition and either 1) just listen and continue to pray for them or 2) I tell them straight-up, no-chaser and then I continue to pray for them.
Sometimes folks are in denial and it’s best for me to just to keep quiet.
-Tee
You’re my sister from another mother, Tee. I’ve been accused of being mean too b/c I haven’t figured out a way to negotiate the truth with pretty words yet. Like you, I’m getting better and probably do best when I know the personality type.
Sadly, I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to tell the hard truth to sister-friends and it was met with anger and even disappearance. I’ve even been in a situation with someone who I’ve let lie or remain in denial though I’ve known the truth. Thankfully, I’ve had sisters come back, apologize and even thank me for being the only one to say something. That’s rare and appreciated. And I’ve had situations where ALL I could do was pray. I have a close relative I love so much but she made a choice and in her case I am praying the choice doesn’t kill her.
But at the heart of us truth tellers is a need to help someone and a need to show the side of love that isn’t always warm and fuzzy. So my prayer is that women learn that the truth is another way to receive love.
I’m going to have to use both of these, Robin!
- Sister from another mother
- Show the side of love that isn’t always warm and fuzzy
I LOVE IT!
By all means! Though I don’t know who originated that “sister from another mother” quote. lol
Hi Tee, Welcome Robin,
I am pretty outspoken with my friends and they with me, my circle is small and tight. However I found myself in a situation last year. A friend had introduced my books to a couple of other friends and the four of us became friendly. At first things were cool, but one of the quartet decided that I was her friend exclusively and it created tension amongst them, everyone was cool with me and I was pretty oblivious until it was brought to my attention. I promptly sat them down telling them I was friends with all of them and that I loved them all, that I dont do drama and that for us to remain close we would have to act as grown as we are. Two immediately signed on the other decided to move on~ the ones who stayed thanked me for being so honest and showing love and truth, I had to remind them that as women who profess Christianity there was not other way to do it~
angelia
angelia
Angelia, I applaud you for taking big gurl pills and being not only the mature Christian but the grown woman. It sounds like you took, what I believe, the healthy approach and that is to keep contentions to a minimum and to be peaceful. And you were sincere. It sounds like the woman was trying to put you on a pedestal and when you wouldn’t let her, she bounced. My granddad use to say if you let people put you on a pedestal you give them the freedom to kick from under you. Good for you, sis and major blessings on your writing career.
^5, I ditto what Robin said. I’ve done this before with a group of friends. I didn’t necessarily put any of them on a pedestal, but when they got tight and seemed to call/see me as an afterthought, it bothered me. We continued the friendship and I even asked the “have I done anything to you” question, but after a while, the whole relationship seemed pointless. I think we grew apart from each other.
-Tee
Robin, I’m a bit conflicted on the “silent as graves” thing and the more I re-read your post, the more conflicted I am. Now, I am a top-notch secret keeper. If you tell me something in confidence, it will NOT go anywhere. On the flip side, if a person needs an ear, I give them that and just that–when it’s needed. But, eventually, sometimes when asked, sometimes when I can’t take it anymore, I share my opinion. The good, bad, and the ugly. I do try to be mindful of their feelings, but one thing I don’t really like is the “silly women syndrome” be it fiction or real life. And, I will tell my sistafriend and I definitely want to be told about myself.
-Tee
I think, perhaps, I was a bit ambitious with my intentions, Tee. I’m a secret keeper professionally and personally, which sometimes bites me in the rear end. However, I wanted to demonstrate the facets of keeping secrets from knowing someone in your world is a woman being beaten/abused or maybe in suicidal to the thrust of SistahFaith, which is releasing shame by telling/sharing your story with another women in an effort for her to not feel alone and to feel the hope to knowing something is amiss like a cheating man (I’ve been in that one) and having to choose how, what and when to tell someone.
I have one hard and fast litmus test for secret keeping/confidentialities: Is it something that will hurt emotionally or potentially cause physical harm? If I see physical harm or danger, I’m talking.
This is pretty much how I look at it. Thankfully, I’ve never been told something that would’ve put the person in physical danger. Emotional danger…probably.
-Tee
My story in SistahFaith is really more about the emotional danger. I had every red flag imaginable and ignored them because I wanted what I wanted and wouldn’t leave it (him) alone. And in hindsight, it wasn’t really him I wanted, I wanted marriage and kids by any means necessary and he was standing there. First red flag. (lol)
I have learned to be there for my sister friends with a listening ear and a sympathetic shoulder and not to interfere unless they ask…which they almost always do because they can’t help it and they know I give advice in their best interest. But then I let them have it raw. I have been told that I am “judgemental”. People use that when they hear what they don’t want to hear. So my friends know that if they ask…
I agree with Tee, though. If we’re discussing the same issue over and over again, I’m going to get frustrated and move on. I’m glad I weeded through these kinds of “friendships” when I was young, and my current circle of friends are mature, geniune, wise, generous adults.
Amen D. J.! From your first sentence to the last, amen. Honestly, I think people use the “judgmental” card to hurt with words. Who really wants to hear they are judgmental? However, big girls/grown women can take it like a champ while standing firm on that raw truth. Lately, I’ve been weeding out the fray of women who bring the drama. {{sigh}} Peace is so essential to the soul, isn’t it? And good emotional health b/c life is too short for all of that ruckus. My literal prayer to God is to let me see it coming so I can cross the street. Blessings to you, sis and your circle of great and loving friends. I know I love mine dearly.
The only time I dont say anything is if the people arent important to me, I dont say things for the sake of inputting, never have, but if I care about you, I feel that it is my responsibility to at least try. That is what happened in that situation. I cared about all the ladies and though I knew how it would turn out, I took that risk, it was worth it….and fortunately or unfortunately I am pretty oblivious until someone calls it out to me~ then I see and say~ hee hee
angelia
It seems that I have some friends that are close–my inner circle. Within this inner circle of friends I feel I can tell them just about anything. With this group, confrontations are considered good soul cleansing releases and it is encouraged. We have something to say, we say it and move on. We don’t hold onto grudges or pettiness. If one of us is wrong, that person is told immediately. Yes, I’m considered the brutally honest one in this group. We always tell each other if you don’t won’t to hear the truth, then don’t ask us anything. If we see one of our sister headed down the wrong path or in a bad situation, we tell her.
Dating is the only situation where none of the above holds true with my inner circle. Dating has caused a many rifts between us and remains the only item where some of us my be tempted to be silent. When and how do you tell a friend the man she loves is no good? Experience has at times taught me to remain silent. When it comes to a man, a couple of my friends only want to see what they want to see, and hear what they want to hear. Like Tee mentioned earlier, this is one of those times that I think they go into denial about certain things.
Brenda
Hi Brenda! Maybe you should write a book chronicling how you and your friends conduct your friendship, because it appears as though you’ve got a great model there.
Question: Have you ever had to reveal something about yourself in order to help a sister through a tough time? If so, please share it.
Robin,
Writing a book? Well that is a thought. But I don’t know if I’m the one. LOL.
As far as revealing something of myself to help a friend out. Yes, I have. In my group, the several of us are divorced, including myself. I went through my divorce first within the circle of friends. This happened very early on in the friendship, and at the time I was going through, I didn’t talk about it much and they didn’t ask questions. There was a lot of hurt, anger, resentment, financial issues, children problems and emotional backlash I was going through and I kept it to myself. In fact, I didn’t discuss my marriage very much at all with my friends. Then several years after my divorce, we were having an outing and the conversation got a point where one friend admitted she was going through a similar situation because of adultery and didn’t have any idea how she was going to survive because he had always controlled all the finances. Looking at and hearing the pure desperation in her stance and voice, it was at that point that I told my story to the entire group. I didn’t leave anything out and they were all amazed. My friend going through, as well as the other ones listening, told me later that this particular night was an education for all of them. Today she says she not only learned how to cope, but that she could cope and that she wasn’t alone. That incident taught me to remember that my life experiences, no matter how bad, can sometimes be some one else’s lifeline.
Brenda
Tears welled up in my eyes when I read your quote, Brenda.
“That incident taught me to remember that my life experiences, no matter how bad, can sometimes be some one else’s lifeline.”
Those words are powerful, sis. You might not have considered writing a book, but I think that quote is a heck of a Facebook status update. I’d chime in on that discussion.
And you embodied the SistahFaith mission in those words. Thank you, Brenda. Wow!
Thank you Robin, for your kind words. Now that I am mentoring a young lady in my Church, sharing what I’ve been through in my earlier life is really having a positve effect on her and I hope that I can continue to be a good influence. I think we all have the ability to teach/help each other about life through sharing our experiences. But we can’t all stay silent. Nobody gains in this instance.
Brenda
This is so, so true, Brenda!
Brenda, at one time I didn’t want to be the sister with a testimony. I wanted to have the drama-free life but that isn’t what happened. I learned, like you, that God uses our messes to bless. And I’ve even come to the conclusion that there are some of us he graciously allows to be messy, because he can trust us to do the right thing with the aftershock like mentor and comfort. Bless you for sharing with a young woman. They need us more than ever, sis.
Brenda, I have the same thing going within a group of friends I have. We have over “100″ years of friendship between us. For example my rommie and I have been friends for 38 years, we have a mutual friend who has been friends with my roomie since grade school, then I met her in Jr High..and several others. So we’ve been through a LOT and sometimes it wasnt easy. Still isnt. But the bottom line is we tell each other how we feel even when it doesnt feel good. Its all in HOW you do it. I dont have a situation in particular Im willing to share but lets just say, we’ve had some VERY interesting issues we’ve had to confront.
Robin, What an excellent post – you nailed it because SILENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER! Praise God for the lives you have touched from this alone. Sistahfaith is definitely a blessing!
Taking off the mask is a powerful thing!
Thank you, Sonya. I’m humbled.
I also meant to add..some thing SHOULD be taken to the grave and not spoken of. Thats MY opinion and not of management LOL
Ah ha! Linda, alas someone has opened a can of worms. I like these worms, sis. What types of secrets (give examples) should be taken to the grave and why?
Management agrees. ROFL.
:::running from Robin and her questions:::
-Tee
Come on back here! lol I don’t want to know the secret but don’t you guys think it’s wise to know when to keep the lips zipped? I do and if Miss Linda would share, I’d be grateful.
I’d like to switch it up a bit though I’ll still answer the other threads created.
First disclosure: I was very nervous about sharing my story about abuse and violence in SistahFaith and wrote it carefully to make sure I stayed within the perimeters of interpretation (my interpretation of events along with the facts versus my perpetrator’s interpretation). I wasn’t certain I wanted to be public with my story.
Second disclosure: There were stories that never made it into the book because the contributors decided at the last minute that they couldn’t go forward with sharing their stories publicly. One succumbed to family pressure and withdrew her story. Another told me that the fear she experienced going through her tragedy resurfaced and while her perpetrator is dead, she couldn’t relive it. All reasons respected.
Could you tell your story of pain and triumph over that pain in a book or publicly if it meant it would help someone else? If so, what would be your impetus? If not, why not?
Wow Robin,
how interesting, about a month ago I decided it was time to reveal many of the things that formed me the good, the not so good and the ugly~ I have always revealed only as much as I wanted to, but the more I mentored and found people hanging on to what I had to say, it was time to reveal more. For me it is so paradoxical, because it will involve writing about how the same people who were so good to me and so loving were at times so cavalier and casual with me~ I know that I will have to be honest and careful. Most of the people it will impact directly are no longer with us, but because life is so layered and the branches and leaves of some of the trees still exist I will consider that. However, I do know that it is time for telling~
angelia
One of my considerations involved how I kept this situation secret from friends and family for many years. A friend just learned of it b/c of the book. Angelia, would you characterize yourself as healed and triumphant over the truths you’ll ultimately reveal? Is it a pre-requisite to be healed in order to tell your story or for anyone to tell their story?
I am definitely healed and triumphant, have been for years, my focus was on protecting those I love~ but the more I ‘talk’ the more God leads me to reveal. I reveal nothing without much prayer, meditation and consideration~ one thing I have been thankful for all my life is the inability to hold a grudge, there have been times I have wanted to and couldnt. I remember my sister asking me why I wasnt mad at someone she was convinced I should have been. I told her, we have moved past that, I forgave them, they are no longer that person and we are able to live from here~
angelia
I may be Robin’s sister from another mother, but you my dear are still Mama Deep! I’ve learned so much, just by reading your words in the chats, via the group, FB & in RAMBLINGS. (And I already thought I knew it all). ROFL. Kidding, kidding…kinda.
-Tee
know it alls are my specialty, game recognizes game~ hee hee
angelia
I love “know it alls,” Angelia. And I love how you demonstrate forgiveness. People think it’s for the other person and it’s really for us…to heal and move forward. Plus, I was told that when we refuse to let go, we get our revenge over and over, except it hurts us and not the person who hurt us in the first place. Bravo, ma!
Wow Robin…I really don’t know if I could reveal certain things, as quite honestly I’ve denied them over the years.
(But I do know I’m denying them.) I haven’t dealt with those things and I don’t think I ever will. It just feels like one of those “to the grave things.” Sigh.
On the other hand, there are things I’ve shared to help someone going through a similar situation. And on yet another hand, there are some things I’ve gone through that I only remember bits and pieces of, so while I know I experienced it, I don’t know the full details.
-Tee
My pastor, Kevin, teaches that God will allow us to remember ONLY what is useful to him. If it’s useful for you to remember to help, then so be it. If it’s useful for you to only remember bits and pieces, if only to remind you of from whence you’ve come and how you got over, then so be it. If it’s useful for you to NOT recall them, then to him be the glory.
These are some powerful thoughts that have flowed today. To find the balance between speaking or remaining silent is difficult especially when it involves the ones you care about. I’m going through a situation at the moment where I’ve chosen to remain silent, not because I don’t have thoughts or advice to share, but because I think it’s the best at this moment because it will fall on deaf ears. However in my silence I continue to be a shoulder to lean cry on.
I think you’re using silence as an invitation, Jamie. I love it. One of the things I try to articulate to my friends is that no matter what I say or don’t say, I’m here. I’ve got your back. It most certainly takes wisdom to know when to be quiet and when to speak. Bless you, sis.
Believe me when I say I’m a work in progess, sis! Rather than stress myself out and continue to speak to deaf ears, I choose to remain silent and keep saying prayers for them with hope they will see what is so clear for others to see.
Jaime (forgive my misspelling), me too! I think the admission is priceless. Worry about the folks who think they’re fine as they are and with no growth necessary. lol Isn’t funny how we get older and become every bit as prudent in the use of our words as are with our energy?
Hi, Robin. Thanks for joining us on today. This is a very important topic. I first lost the closeness that I shared with a high school friend whenever I and another member of our clique informed her that her BF was cheating on her. Her response (believed the BF, not her friends) caused me to keep my mouth shut when I know that situation is going on. I guess for her, and for many women who react in a similar manner, they know their man is cheating on them; when someone else tells them about it, they don’t really appreciate it. So….I still keep my mouth shut unless the person is a really, really close friend.
As for other issues, I’ve been known to be pretty direct. I’m generally the listening ear and feedback giver to my friends…so, I think my advice is well-received, even if it isn’t what they want to hear.
I’m a pretty private person. But, when something I’ve been through can help someone, I generally open up.
Thank you for the warm greeting, Hope.
BFs are sticky wickets. You never know the emotional arrangement people have, so keeping quiet works. Sometimes. One of my BFF from high school knew that a man I was seeing in another city had gotten married, I didn’t know. Another friend who knew she knew, told me. That crap hurt. But I would later learn that she had some “secrecy” issues and it helped me understand her motives better.
The listening ear works for me, but my precious personality is such that if I ask for advice, I’m soooo ready for the truth. And can receive the message without killing the messenger. And if I don’t want to know, I don’t ask. Yikes.
I think the thing I’m always conscious of is shame. I don’t want us to be mired in shame and guilt to the point that (1) we’re hurting and (2) allowing someone else to hurt. Shame sucks the life out of women. So, I’m glad you’ve negotiated being private (yea!) and knowing when to open up. That’s balance, sis.
I once had an author friend who didn’t want to hear what I had to say about her book and a situation I thought would help her in her future as a writer. She flat out said she didn’t want to hear it if it wasn’t positive. I still root for her and that her books will be well received, but it definitely damaged our friendship.
-Tee
Tee! We can have that conversation over coffee/tea and some elevator music in the background. It’s really sad some people equate constructive criticism for dream killers. As a publicist I’ve had to tell clients that what they think is fly and fabulous has nothing to do with where they want to go. And I’ve been the B and the dream killer. (smh)
So sad…
I’ve seen this time and time again with female friends and relatives. One female knows of some thing that their friend should be told, but she says nothing. Women at times will sit and listen to their girlfriends go on and on about their relationship problems and not once tell their girl where she’s wrong. It’s like a secret code of silents. She may even tell everyone else but not the person who needs to hear it. This is the worst thing you can do for your so called friend. I truly believe two thing are at play here. One, women think they have to agree with everything their friends say or do to be emotionally supportive. Two, if a woman keeps it real with her friends,it means she has to keep it real with her self. Meaning she has to be willing to face criticism and unemotional honest advice. I understand a woman’s make up is emotional, but the consequences that stem from not telling your friend what she needs to hear when she needs to hear it will ultimately do more emotional damage than sparing her feelings.
Hi Tito! I’m glad you joined us. (I know Tito, everyone.)
I agree with you but one of the things I love about being a woman is that we feel people. Sometimes we feel them so deeply we know like Jamie was saying when to be silent and when to speak. And we even know who we can speak to.
I’ve been curious about this: Are men that transparent with their buddies? Please share.
Most of my friends we keep it real. Even if we disagree with each other we listen. The truth is worth me getting my feelings or being sat down on the counseling bench. We often know what we should or shouldn’t do in any given situation. We put all out there the good the bad and the ugly and iron it all out at the round table while playing cards. We all know each other pretty well, so getting to the bottom of the drama is not that hard. But we will call you out on your mess!
I don’t think we are always able to do as you say men do.
And if we do, the friendship is gone. Men are back hanging out the next weekend. LOL.
Great to have a man’s perspective, Tito! Thanks for stopping by.
-Tee
Generations of secrets. How many of you come from families who have kept secrets for generations and years? I do. One of the secrets my grandparents took to the grave with them is the name of my biological father. And my mother is keeping that a secret too, which I’d attribute to her shame.
Have we inherited that tendency?
Yep, have them, and as I get older they are being revealed. For years their was a family member that held a secret, he finally revealed it a few years before his death.
Yes, I think it’s inherited and I’ll go one further, I think it’s even taught to generations. Once the secret is told it has to be kept and what’s the best way to ensure that it is? Teach and instruct others to keep it, if has in fact been told to others.
Oh I’d agree. It seems as though we have been taught to keep the secret but we’re also taught to keep the shame. Mercy!
I’ve seen/heard of this, but I’m adopted, so I haven’t really experienced it. It’s kinda scary though. A person could end up loving a relative. Yikes.
I feel the same way. My mother’s husband adopted me when I was young, the records are sealed and it takes forever to have them unsealed. A pastor in Cleveland, married his biological sister unknowingly and had to divorce her and it messed them both up for a long time. Messy and sad, sis.
Wow, what a day, what a day! Robin, thank you so much for hanging out with us today and sharing your testimony. It has been wonderful to read your words and get all these great clips I’m going to be using on folks. Ahahha.
Thanks to everyone else for stopping by. It is always a pleasure! We hope you’ll come back again soon and join us again soon.
-Tee
Tee, it was a privilege. I love you all. And you need a TV show. Stat!
As long as I don’t have to be in front of the camera, I say let’s do it!
No way! The world needs to see that beautiful face and feel that beautiful spirit of hospitality and love. This is the salon from the Harlem Renaissance Redux. I love what you do and how you do it. TV show, YOU, and STAT! LOL (Work with me, I’m bossy!)
ROFL…ummmkay! And, we’ll leave it at that.
LOL I feel ya!
Great conversation today, ladies!
Tee, thank you so much for hosting the SistahFaith Blog Tour on RAWSistaz today.
Robin, thank you for being the representative today from the SistahFaith anthology. A very timely discussion indeed.
Tee,
Thanks for hosting the tour today. Y’all had an amazing discussion!
Robin,
Thanks for representing us.
Everyone please go out today and pick up a copy of ‘SistahFaith: Real Stories of Pain, Truth and Triumph to read Robin’s story, “How Dare You.” Thanks again!
My privilege, Ty and Marilynn. Ty, you do such beautiful work and your pairings are impeccable. Tee, you’re the best. Really.
God bless, everyone!
Tee,
I always appreciate what you do/what you’ve done at RAWSISTAZ. Thank you for hosting SistahFaith. Robin, fabulous job!
Secrets, so many secrets . . . The chat really made me think. When the secrets we keep are holding us or others down, when the spirit of God is nudging us to come clean, then we have to open our mouths. It’s scary, it takes courage, but we have to be brave enough to do it, don’t we? If we are quiet sheep, when the wolf is done with us, won’t he go on to devour the rest of the flock?
For me, SistahFaith is not about telling other people’s secrets, but it’s about having the courage to tell my own–to expose my own shame and show my scars so that others can be healed. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. The secrets we share, the truths we reveal are our testimonies. We tell them not to have a pity party, but, lilke Robin, like Brenda, like Angelia, to let another sistah know that she can overcome.
I wanted to pull off my wig, my heels, and my makeup and say, “See. Here I am.” I want sistahs to know that I am a testimony. I want them to know that I was brokenhearted and frightened and abused. I want them to know that I was confused because the same people who loved me were the same people who harmed me. I, and the other sistahs in SistahFaith, tell our stories not as a pity party, but to say, we have overcome! We may not look like we’ve ever suffered, but we are sisters in our suffering and our triumph!
I tell the truth because I’m not going to let the past shame me anymore! I tell the truth because I want my other shamed, bruised, brokenhearted sisters to know that they can overcome and have real joy!
Thank you, Tee, again! I pray that SistahFaith will be a blessing to sistahs everywhere!
Sharon Ewell Foster
so sorry I missed this discussion live. But so glad i took the time to come back and read it in it’s entirety. What a blessing. Thanks for sharing. And Thanks for hosting, Tee.